By Sophie McNaughton
Dear Mr Cameron,
I realise that the majority of the open letters you receive will typically be either: carefully constructed assaults on your rule or, you know, just you, or, pleas from those struggling within your austerity state, for example: an underpaid, overworked NHS worker or a humanitarian activist begging you to do more in the refugee crisis.
This open letter, however, will be something a little different. With the broadcast of the recent, shall we say, ‘unfortunate stories’ that you’re desperately trying to gloss over, I thought we’d talk a little bit about everyone’s favourite scandal of the year so far – Pig Gate.
First things first, Dave. Whether these claims are true or not, it’s got to be embarrassing. Even the news reporters were holding back a snigger at your youthful liaison with a farm animal and, of course, we can all understand you wanting to say as little as possible. But instead of refusing to comment fully on these allegations, I implore you to make a statement about this scandal, and I urge you to do this for one reason: to show the country that you have a personality and a sense of humour. (Alien concepts amongst most in the world of politics, I know.)
I think you should do this, Davy, because a lot of people in Britain are a bit disenchanted with politicians. Of course, here in Scotland, we have our passionate and charismatic First Minister Nicola Sturgeon and Britain’s youngest MP, feisty, determined and anti-austerity Mhairi Black. But wider throughout British politics there seems to a cookie cutter mould of faceless, robotic politicians who have no character, charisma, wit or, dare I say it, humanity. And, sadly, Div, you fall under this category.
While you desperately try to mingle among the ordinary folk to prove that you’re ‘just like the rest of us’ – you’re not. You’ve lived an exceptionally privileged and sheltered life, free from struggle, poverty and even unemployment.
How can you relate to someone who is working 30 hours a week on minimum wage and still can’t afford to feed their family? Or someone with a serious disability who, under your government, is now being forced into work? How can you relate to any of that when you, like many politicians, have been manufactured into cardboard cut-out MPs who have rehearsed answers to pre-warned-about questions, who have been desensitised from feeling any empathy or compassion, and who have become completely out of touch with reality?
I mean, come on Dave, you only decided to do something about the refugee crisis after a shocking image of a drowned child washed by on a beach went viral. That’s how much it takes to move you and make you feel sympathy? Honestly, I doubt you truly felt compassion when that happened either. I think that the only reason you eventually announced you would accept more refugees and provide more aid is because of the unprecedented and overwhelming amount of abuse and pressure you received from world leaders and from your people, begging you to have some human decency.
Is that really what you want your legacy to be? Do you really want people to look back at your rule and think of you as a cold, faceless, indifferent leader devout of feeling, empathy and kindness? Let’s face it, your reputation, much like your government, is in tatters and the only way you will ever be able to win over the public is to start acting like, you know, a human being.
Show us that you can have a laugh and poke fun at these ‘false claims’, if that’s what they are. Speak out about scandals instead of brushing them under the rug and take the first baby step in a long overdue campaign in showing us that you’re capable of being human. If you can somehow relate to the general public and give us a reason to say something nice about you, you might well find that people will start to actually like you.
Silence your critics. Stop those couch potatoes on Gogglebox from rolling on the floor laughing at you in news reports every week. Give us a reason to be proud to have you as a Prime Minister, instead of being embarrassed.
Yours sincerely, though, perhaps not ‘faithfully’,