by Francis Berryman

Aries, what a year you have in store! You have known for years that you are the sex gods of the horoscope, and the stars align so that this year you might actually have a partner to prove it with. Before then, Venus aligns with Neptune and laughs at Pluto’s lack of planetary status, causing all Aries to be more and more vigilant at accepting high fives from lonely freshers, as a sticky situation is doubtless at hand. Aries’ word of the year is defenestration, as you might as well throw all your romantic ideals out of a high window.

Taurus, I don’t know how to put this, but your coming year is going to be the best you have ever had. It’s a shame that your previous years have been so awful. Despite all the negativity of your past, the future can actually hold some great things in store, because the stars align to bring you your favourite gift in the world: A pet tarantula! Wait? You don’t like spiders? Then you may not enjoy January. Or February. Or March. In fact maybe this isn’t your year at all. Yeah, best stay locked indoors, where the creepy spiders can’t get you. Or can they….

Gemini, you will have a great year, because aren’t you just blessed with an epic star sign? I mean let’s be honest, everyone loves twins right? I don’t need to be psychic to know that some of you so-called Gemini folk aren’t twins, and all I have to say is this: if you think for one second that you can be a Gemini and not be a twin, your parents have failed to bring you up properly. I mean, for a start they lied and pretended you had a Gemini birthday, when, clearly, you didn’t! Yeah, so for this year, if you are a twin-less Gemini, look elsewhere, maybe Virgo will let you take their star sign. For all you awesome twins, never watch Game of Thrones. Ever.
No, seriously…don’t.

Cancer, intrigue is written across the stars for you this year; in much the same way there is a cloud that kind of looks like it says a naughty word in the Lion King. (Seriously, Disney?) Your star sign is that of a crab, so maybe take a sideways approach to things. Maybe don’t sleep with that person you literally just met in a club, even though they sing all the words to Under The Sea to you (the love anthem for your star sign, naturally). This will benefit you later on. When you stumble back in to your student-occupied hovel, you will meet a dark stranger, who has a strong air of mystery about him. Okay, admittedly this will just be your drunken friend who has lost their way and wants to crash at yours, but it’s cool to dream, right?

Leo, this year is a year that should be all about you. You are special, one of a kind, absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. I mean come on, did you really think you were that special? Oooh look at me, I’m a Leo, I have a lion as my star sign, look how great I am. Seriously, I mean, isn’t every year about you? Birthday in the summer, during holidays, lucky as hell. Well newsflash, your parents got busy because it was approaching winter and they were cold. Oh I’m sorry, you thought having a lion as a star sign was cool? Well it isn’t, male lions are lazy and useless, female lions need feminism like Scar needs a relaxing spa. Speaking of Scar, he was possibly the greatest Lion, but decides to be evil along with being clever, before blowing it by annoying Simba so much at his point of victory, that Simba breaks the laws of physics and dooms lion-kind to being ruled by brawn over brain. Yeah, your star sign sucks. Or maybe it’s just lions.

Virgo, this year is the year for you to make a crucial decision. Do you want people to accept you as you are, or do you want them to like you? You don’t need star signs to tell you that life, for you, is always a party; a pity that it is the type of party where you forget to bring alcohol, the host doesn’t have any sense of hygiene, and some pungent monstrosity decides that you are his best friend in the whole world. You do what you have done a thousand times and try to escape onto the open streets, forgetting that this is Glasgow…and that fiendishly fragrant men who want nothing more than to talk to you, are as numerous as post-best kebab toilet visits. Yeah, that kind of party, that kind of life. Enjoy your year…

Libra, I think this year is the time for you to try to find balance in your life. Maybe you could balance alcohol in each hand, or juggle geese? Anything to make you exciting; I mean come on, what boredom-busting things have you done this previous year? Or was it the usual tedium of your dull existence? Libra is a yawn-inducing star sign so people don’t blame you, in fact most of the time they forget you. I guess it is kind of a talent to be quite so nondescript, but still, you’d think you would do something wacky once in a while. Do yourself a favour, pop down to a sex shop, and buy something outlandish. Your word of the year is ‘kinky’. Use this information as you wish.

Scorpio, your year will be epic. Not so much money supermarket epic, but maybe cuddly meerkat toy epic. Scorpios are the could-have-beens of society, could have been christmas time, could have been pure Autumn, ended up freezing cold and rainy. Things are looking up though. I dont know why, but I could be right, right? I guess it could be a rubbish year, but a little bit of optimism never hurt anybody, except Native Americans, who optimistically thought that giving Turkey to strangers was a cure for smallpox. So dont give turkey to people and you should be fine. Maybe.

Sagittarius, Oh dear, oh dear, not a good year that one was it? Well, good news, you will at least be able to say that your years are consistent. I mean, you’ve tried your best, really you have, its just that staying in bed and watching countless re-runs of Spongebob is far more entertaining than going to lectures. No one can blame you for all the stupid stuff you do, that time you forgot to put on trousers, or that time you thought you could risk a cheeky fart in the McDonalds queue, it’s just that you were never all that lucky when it came to thinking. Wait…that didnt happen to you? Yeah…no..me neither… Uhhh, forget I mentioned anything…

Capricorn, this year should be a year for change, a year for improvement.  Make your new years resolution to be more resilient in reaching your goals.  Lets be frank here, putting a pretty shirt over your muffin top doesnt make you a cupcake.  You are going to have to work for it.  You can do it!  If Ruth Davidson can garner the full support of her party for a leadership campaign then….wait….bad example…If Rolf Harris can keep surprising you every time he asks if you can tell what it is yet then…wait…Okay, so maybe im not the best at coming up with success stories.  Forget it.  Do whatever the hell you want, eat nachos before bedtime, and remember, dont let anyone with fake eyebrows tell you how to live your life.

Aquarius, after a year of self-absorption, perhaps now is the time to sit back and think about life. While you make think that the light shines from your every orifice, you are in fact living proof that poo can actualy be polished. It’s time to grow up and to stop living in Abercrombie land. Its okay to have a fake tan, and its okay to use the word swag, but only if you are sponsored by Wotsits, and are a pirate. Are you a pirate? No, didnt think so. Pirates are epic, Aquarius folk are not. True fact, no pirate has ever been born under the star sign Aquarius, because they have self respect. They would rather stay up there for ten months and be a Pisces. Which seems fishy to me, but I read it on the internet, so it must be true. Your word of the year is ‘no’. Feel free to use it whenever anyone says the word ‘bae’.

Pisces, this year was not bad, but cod have been batter, you’ve been floundering around all year, and now its time to scale back on some of your more flippant ways. I mean, this year is definitely all about that bass. Seariously, stop carping on, and do some sole-searching. Maybe you will come to a better plaice, or find new porpoise in life. It could make you feel orcaward I guess, and you might think this scampi happening, but hear me trout, soon you will feel eelated. As the Lego movie says, every fin is awesome, so get to it, and make the most of this golden opportunaty. Jellyfish.

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