Strathclyde Telegraph

Lying Bastards Left, Right and Centre

By Marco Antonio Chacon-Clark

There’s a general election coming this year! This is an opportunity to stand up and have your say in deciding which group of rich, white men you’d like to spend the next five years hating. To help you decide, you could start by aligning yourself ideologically. Are you left-wing or right-wing?

Most of you reading this are idealistic students who are unburdened by the cynicism of the sofa chair and the tax bill. So I imagine that you’ll fall into the left-wing category. If you believe in the radical redistribution of wealth (basically sharing our resources more) you are probably on the left. If you believe in individual political freedom, you are probably on the left. If you believe that all human beings should be treated equally, regardless of gender, background, ethnicity or sexuality, you are probably on the left. If you believe that the state should act as a protector against poverty, sickness, and other social ills, you are probably on the left.

Phew! Well basically if you take the opposite stance you are probably on the right (and you should be ashamed of yourself – just kidding). If national identity is at the core of your political thinking, you are on the right.  If you want less government intervention in the economy, you are probably on the right. If you believe that employers should dominate trade relations with their employees, again you’re on the right.

The problem is that most politicians don’t identify themselves in these terms any way. That’s when it gets a bit tricky; words can be deceptive little bastards. Though there are some general rules which need to be applied with caution. When you hear the word ‘conservative,’ think right-wing. When you hear the word ‘socialist,’ think left-wing. When you hear the word ‘liberal’ think centre.

But be warned ladies and gentlemen, the politician is a highly intelligent beast with clever methods of fucking us over. Just because they claim to be something does not mean they are! Take Labour, for example. Ed Miliband in 2013 called for ‘democratic socialism.’ The incessant bullshit spat at us is of the ‘cost of living crisis;’ a spun term coined to combat the Tory’s claim of economic success. However consider that Labour Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls, has promised to continue the cuts to public spending of Tory austerity.  This crap ain’t new. Hitler called himself a National Socialist. Despite this persecution on account of race, the elimination of trade unions, and war were at the heart of Nazism.

Left or right? Place Labour in the centre. They’ll shift when necessary depending on the issue. If the public cry out for the nationalisation of public transport they’ll champion that cause. If the public demand the death penalty for benefit cheats, they’ll start tying-up the ropes.

But what if you’re not a middle-of-the-road little sap? The decisive kind who likes their coffee black and their hands shakes firm? Well then…

If you’re on the right you’ve hit the fucking jack-pot! We still have a Conservative government that wants to continue cutting welfare spending and reducing net immigration. We have an insurgent newcomer to the boring gentleman’s club that is British politics – UKIP! For those of you who want fewer of these Romanians, fewer tax bills for the rich, and more money for our glorious armed forces, Nigel’s your man.

If you’re on the left: I’m sorry mate, it ain’t happening this year. The SNP want to defend free prescriptions, defend government paid tuition fees, and want the nuclear disarmament of Scotland. The Greens go further and want to tax the rich more while promoting green energy. That’s pretty much it.

Well you make up your mind. I’ve made up mine. I’m pretty sure I’m voting for one of them now.

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